I am so sleepy. I’m so sleepy I slept for 12 straight hours yet I’m still sleepy. I’d rather sleep, dream some more than to wake up and face the ugly truth about my life.
I am sick. I’m sick of doing the same thing, each and every single day. I just want to go to bed, and sleep things off.
I am tired… I’m tired of whining yet I whine because I’m tired of it. I’m tired of thinking why all these shit happened to me, and why I can’t accept the fact that all I can do is to accept them and move on.
I am stuck. I’m stuck on this rut. I’m not even sure if I have what it takes to get out of it.
I am… depressed. Why can’t I see the positive side of my life? I have a family. I have a pretty awesome family. I have my friends. But something just brings me down.. something inside.
I am NOT happy. I am not happy with my life. I think it sucks. I feel like I’m a failure. I failed my family, my friends and most especially… MYSELF.
I am at my lowest point right now. And nobody knows about it. My pride is not letting me express it. So I just sleep… sleep.. and sleep some more.
I am going to sleep. ’cause when I sleep…. I forget about all the shit that I’m stuck with.
Are you surprised? Don’t freak out. If this should be embarrassing, it’ll be on my part, not yours. You can always deny being affiliated with this blog entry, but I do need you to take this seriously. Okay?
Like the chicken that I am, I created this post because I don’t have the courage to say these things to you in a manner that I can hear or get your reply. I don’t want to hear or know them – like I said: I’m a chicken like that.
So here it goes:
If you haven’t noticed, which I’m pretty sure you have, I’ve always liked you. Well, “like” is an understatement. You’ve been really special to me ever since… wait.. Let me check my Friendster Inbox… ever since May 24, 2008. 🙂 That was the day I first received a message from you. You just dropped by to say Hi, and I replied with a Hi and a comment about your nickname.. and that started our friendship.
I really enjoyed (and I still do) our conversations; Funny how we kind of clicked though we really didn’t know each other. Each day, with each message we exchanged, I grew to like you more and more; and when we finally met.. my fear was confirmed: I actually fell for you. It was really reckless of me to do so, since I knew….. You’ll never be able to return the feelings. But what the heck, I still went for it. I actually waited… and waited.. and waited some more.. for you. Then suddenly, I just had to give up. I was able to move on and let go – or so I thought. Just when I was about to be a FREE WOMAN, you came back. You started talking to me again. You started..being the silly, funny, sweet dude that you are. For the second time, you had me bounded in your spell…and that sucks. REALLY. You have no idea what I had to go through just so I can move on.
I wanted to avoid you…but I couldn’t. Until I actually didn’t want to avoid you. I’m pretty sure this was unintentional, but you coming back and being sweet and all again, made me hope…just for a little bit, that maybe, this is it.
Then I saw something that proved otherwise………… </3
MASAKIT HAAAAA!!!!! LOL. Seriously, it was. Really. I may not show it, but it did. It still does, but not as bad as before. You probably realized something’s wrong that’s why I wasn’t really as attentive as before. Yes, your guess was right. Something’s wrong.
Nagtatampo ako. Buti naman napansin mo, I’d expect you to realize that ‘cause I believe you know me too damn well. Well, I know I don’t have any right to be so, so I didn’t/couldn’t give you a straight answer. Pero ngayon alam mo na. I just laid it out for you.
NOW……… I believe I am your friend, a good friend of yours for that matter. (Hahaha!) Can I ask you an itty, bitty favor? Come on. This is sooo simple even a pre-schooler could handle.
I need you to……..stay away. I need you to be out of my radar – for a while. I’m really not sure for how long, but not so soon, please. It’s really hard for me to not be able to be with you, but I’d rather cut all the ties I have with you than to have you halfway. I know you’re happy now… I’m happy that you are. You deserve it. 🙂 Everyone deserves to be happy. I also want to be happy…. And it’s really hard to give myself a chance to be happy with someone else..when you’re around. It seems unfair on my part when I’m dating someone yet, he shares my heart with you, or rather he’s competing for a space you would not even take…
I wanna take a chance on being happy again.. like the way you took your chance with her…
I should clarify this: I’m not mad at you. I don’t feel any bitterness or anguish towards you. But I do need to have this world, free from you, ‘cause that’s the only way I can set myself free.
I want to thank you, though. Thank you for all those times that you made me smile, that you’ve been there for me when I needed someone the most. You never fail to put a smile on my face. 🙂 I’d always cherish those memories. I still couldn’t believe I was able to have this kind of..kinship..with a person I met online. I thank you for that.
Now…. As I’ve requested. Please. Please. PLEASE. Ignore me. Don’t IM me. Don’t text me. Don’t call me.
I’ll surely miss your antics. Your pa-cute webcam poses. Our conversations. Our kulitan. I’ll definitely miss your kisses and your hugs. Your pokes. Your clamps. I’ll miss you…………………so much.
Goodbye, my Kung-Fu Panda loving, Hello Panda and Yan-Yan eating, Twix addicted, Attorney-to-be..Utopia. ……….
I’ll see you on the flipside…but not too soon. Okay? Take Care. MWAHUGS!
Dear Papa God,
I know there’s no such thing as a mishap or mistake on your part when it comes to whatever happens in my life. I believe things happen, good and bad, because of my own choices and decisions. But… if there’s a slightest chance… I think you made a small mistake when you granted my wish.
Remember the time when I was asking you for someone who will prove me wrong about love?..( I thought love is not for me. Love is not worth all the pain and crap it tags along. No guy would be able to make me fall again.) Remember that? Well.. you did send someone, a pretty good candidate in proving me wrong. But I guess…. he’s not the one you really intended for me. Because as what I see.. he is with somebody else now. I think he’s the answer to a prayer, but not mine.
I thought all I needed to do is just wait. Wait for him to come to his senses that I’ve always been here, waiting for him to come around, got so much love to give and only for him.
He never did…… He was never even interested. 😦 an that really.. made me sad. The pain’s overwhelming it swallowed me alive.
Why is that?? Probably the guy you meant to send to me got lost somewhere… Oh I do hope you find him. I do hope he finds me. Until then… I guess I’m stuck here.. waiting.. still.
“This needs to stop.” That was the first thing I told myself right after I got his reply.
Ever felt like you’ve given all you’ve got and still, somehow, for whatever reason, it’s still not enough? Imagine how frustrating it could be, when you just gave your 101%, with nothing left for anyone else, most especially for yourself, yet it’s not appreciated, valued, not even recognized.
I still don’t understand why I feel/felt that way for him. I don’t know why I am/was willing to give up/throw away all my beliefs just so I could be with this guy. If I ever had to make a list on why I shouldn’t want him in my life, I could give you a pretty long list.
But still, I fell for him despite of all those things. Fine, I know, I don’t have to have a reason for loving someone. You just love that person, that’s it.
But what about me? Is it enough that I love him this much, yet all my efforts are overlooked? I’m human too. I have my limits, and I believe I’ve reached it already. I came to the point wherein I have nothing to give, and nothing left for myself.
As a friend told me: “hinihigop niya sunshine mo hanggang sa bandang huli, ikaw ang mawawalan.” – and so that happened.
I’m getting tired. I’m sick of catering to him, I’m sick of being his entertainment, I’m sick of him being here only when it’s convenient for him. I’m sick of being used.
I love you – but I should love me more. I love you – but I don’t want to love you anymore. I love you – but it’s time to have someone who deserves my love: someone who values me, someone who appreciates me and someone who won’t be there just because he’s bored.
“Have you met that person who fills your heart with love and joy?” This is a line from one of my favorite movies: You’ve Got Mail starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. This line was delivered when Joe Fox (Tom Hank’s character) was talking to his dad in their yacht after both of them separated from their girlfriend/wife. That question just stunned me and made me ask myself: have I met someone who fits that description?
For quite a while now, my head’s been spinning for this guy. What’s funny is the movie I just mentioned earlier reminds me so much of how I and that guy met. Yes, through the internet. I really don’t want to give out the details; all I can say is, we exchanged long, funny, interesting and meaningful messages. We finally met after a little over 2 months, we hung out and.. well, all I can say is, sparks were flying all night. ❤
But then, due to priorities and prior commitments, nothing happened after that. Messages exchanged got fewer and fewer until there was nothing at all; and that surely made me feel like shit. You know what’s worse, I’m blogging about him, well, my feelings for him actually, so that means it’s a huge deal. I really won’t waste time writing or talking about someone if I don’t give a shit about that person. So yeah.. I fell really hard for this one.
The process of moving on and accepting what happened is a long process. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t fall easily, but when I do, I fall all the way until my face hits the ground. And I sure jumped off the tallest cliff this time. It took me more than a year from when we met to finally give it up – and I really gave up then. But during that year of trying to move on, there were those days that I’d just burst into tears, or just realize a tear fell from my eyes, and the pain just rumbles in my heart, making it hard to breathe.
Typing these words to describe how it felt is an understatement; my friends are the witnesses on how I struggled for the past year. Fortunately, I was never angry or mad at him. Why? Because when he came into my life, despite of all the pain he brought along, he indeed filled my heart with joy and love. He proved me wrong when I said I’d never like anyone as much as I like him.
He is that person, who can bring me to tears just because I terribly miss him; and he’s also the same person who can put a smile on my face even with the simplest gestures. Ironic, right?
Just in case, at some point, he ever gets to read this, I just want him to know that I never regretted meeting him; most specially, loving him. For he’s the one who taught me and made me realize that I am capable of falling in love…. Over and over again.
Black Oxford Shoes – I really adore this kind of shoes because it’s inspired by one of my favorite style and fashion era: mod. I like the idea of mini dresses paired with black tights; and this pair will be perfect to finish off that ensemble.
Black Quilted CHANEL Flap Bag – Yes, I am one of those girls who love this classic vintage piece that will never go out of style. I’m not a huge bag person but if I had to splurge on a bag, I’d pick this one.
White SKULLCANDY Ti Headphone – I love music; I could go isolate myself from the rest of the world for as long as I have my favorite music glued to my ears. I work faster and more efficiently whenever I’m listening to my favorite tunes, and I think this headphone is the best option I have if I really want to do just that – regardless of how some people label this brand as over rated.
Pink SONY VAIO – Well, the color alone won me over on this one. Hahaha! But, also, this is quite more affordable than the Apple Notebook that my sister and I have been eyeing on. Although it’s a bit heavy than the usual laptop, I don’t care. I’ll get one of this soon.
Brown and/or Camel Knee-High or Mid-calf Boots – Did I mention I’m a HUGE BOOT GIRL? I’d probably tag myself as BOOTY or BOOTIE CHIQ ‘cause I have lots and lots of pairs – in different colors! I have the basic black, gray, teal, mocha and I even have them in red and purple! My preferred material is either suede or soft leather because their the lightest and the most comfortable ones. So basically, I’m looking for a brown pair
MAZDA3 Sedan in Hot Pink – Okay, it’s pretty obvious that I love pink; always have, always will. LOL! But what I really like about this car is the style and design: the defined edges here and there made it so… hunky and hot – for a car. It’s like David Beckham that turned into a car. And oh, I’ll get a personalized plate for this. Yeah!
OAKLEY and/or MANGO Shades – Although I know Mango’s style would suit me better, I’m still considering getting one from Oakley. Their style is just as sleek but in a more sporty level. I’d probably wear them whenever I’ll be doing some outdoor activities while a Mango pair is for everyday wear.
Alright, I think I’ve proven my point that I am that materialistic and vain. I admit that, and I’m not ashamed of it at all. I’ve been making money to be bale to get what I want since college, and now that I’m working, I sure think I deserve some slack here and pamper myself with such luxury. Besides, it’s just a wish list. It’ll probably take 2-5 years before I can get my hands on these things.
But do you know what my ULTIMATE wish is this Christmas?
I want to be able to spend this special season with the awesome people in my life: my family and my friends. I wanted to decorate the house with Christmas ornaments with my mom, go to “Simbang Gabi” with my sister and our friends, I want to go grocery shopping with them and cook dinner for Christmas Eve, get to kiss and hug my mom as the clock ticks 12 on Christmas Eve right after attending Misa De Gallo. I’m a proud momma’s girl, and I like spending time with her because I think she’s so awesome: she has a 8-5 kind of job, yet she fulfills her duty as our mom at home; pretty neat, right?
I want to be able to feel and enjoy the happiness that Christmas brings; and I’d really, REALLY appreciate it, if someone comes along, and finally give my heart back, for I think I’ve lost it somewhere.
I’d erase those material things on this list in a heartbeat if that’s what it takes for me to get this last two.
Santa, please take note of that. 😉
I miss walking on my way to school; since I know I’ll be a little bit early, I enjoy every second of it while I see people rushing because they’re probably running late for work.
I miss the idea of exchanging notes; love notes for that matter. I always made sure I give my special someone at least once a month. Sometimes I even give him one everyday. I like the way his face lit up whenever I hand him those ones that are filled with stickers and are scented. I don’t know why, or is it just that I forgot the reason why I suddenly stopped doing that.
I miss eating dirty ice cream in a bun, those that costs 10 or 15 pesos, which I’d always choose over a regular or standard meal. It’s cheap, tasty and leaves me full every time.
I miss playing street games; piko, Chinese garter, ten-twenty, tumbang preso, patintero, matayataya. I miss watching everyone laughing their asses off without worrying how their hair, clothes and face look after basking under the sun.
I miss walking around, his hands locked into mine, and without talking, we enjoy each other’s company and go home with a smile.
I miss those days wherein everyone is trying to get stuff from or to their locker during dismissal time; it’s fun to see how much effort one exerts just to reach his locker which is 3 or 4 units below his eye level.
I miss receiving flowers; especially those spur of the moment ones wherein I am sincerely surprised why I got them. But of course, I really appreciate them during my birthday of Valentines Day.
–and speaking of Valentines Day, I was one of those girls who always receive something during that day. A bear, chocolates, letter or flowers; and whoever gave it/them to me is probably my guy.
I miss watching movies, just for the heck of it; Boredom? Extra money? Or maybe an excuse to spend more time together. I’d like to think it’s because of the last one.
I miss having the pleasure of having worry-free time. I could do anything I want, and not to worry about anything.
I miss being happy; or at least, the efforts I used to exert to be happy. Gone are the days that I could just jump into things, and be perfectly fine whatever outcome it could have. Each step I make is quickly followed by worries, doubts and fears. What if it goes wrong? What if I screw things up? What if I can’t fix it? In order to avoid the unwanted nightmares, I don’t even dare to dream anymore. How did I lose the passion to live a life?
And I’m totally aware I’m missing out, which is kind of worse.